Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.