Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.