[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Breaking news:
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?