[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again