My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.