Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.