I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.