“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
no one ever comes back
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
bad news gang
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky