Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.