It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.