I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing