If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.