sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.