I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.