Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Yes
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.