Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
whatcha thinkin bout
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work