Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?