me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.