[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.