No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
You wish you had this many chins.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.