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I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”