Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Maths meets science
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet