It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
what my late-night hot pocket sees
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.