what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Heroic Misunderstanding
how to have fun when you’re poor
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?