Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture