me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
my nickname in college
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle