Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles