If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.