god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
You Might Also Like
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.