Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.