If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
You Might Also Like
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.