My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Running your mouth is not cardio.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.