I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
rise and shine we got egg
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?