I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus