If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.