My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
You Might Also Like
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?