If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*orders delivery*
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!