WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.