If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that