[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
jesus christ confetti not now
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists