No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?