[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
A friend helps you before you need it
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
#catsoftwitter
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.