Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.