when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.