HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*