Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
pizza
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*frowns in Scottish*
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N