* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Stop it! 😂
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time