Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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Mornin. * use accordingly
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.