Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
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fired
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.