Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.